In the last 3 years, my goal was to write 1 blog every month. I was consistent, disciplined and felt control over my own agenda, wishing to inspire as many readers as possible and provoke thoughts. My last blog was five months ago when I wrote about the impact of not having regrets in life, inspired by the sudden passing away of my beloved father. Since then…nothing, no control.
Grieving has taken me into an unknown place and so far, it has been a revealing phase in my life. A phase of not being in control. Not being able to control sudden waves of emotions, feeling fragile, vulnerable, loosing focus and concentration and having difficulties making any decisions. It feels like the word “control” is being replaced by the words “letting it go”, a concept which I usually would not embrace so easily but is beginning to feel familiar.
Do I like it? Not sure but I do notice that I don’t dislike it.
In the last months, my gears have shifted from first to second and now to third. I miss giving workshops, coaching, networking and developing projects, however, I feel I am not able to perform at my best and I cannot control that. Instead of feeling frustrated, giving myself permission to letting go and being kind to myself is helping me.
When my daughter showed me this photo that she found on Instagram, it resonated with me instantly, in fact, so much so that for a second I noticed a physical reaction…warm and serene. I smiled. Having struggled for many years with a family relationship, seeking guidance, working on myself, becoming a Coach, I chose to let go. It does not mean that I no longer care or no longer love, but sometimes holding on seems to cause more damage.
Last week, I was in Geneva giving two workshops and the theme of “letting go” came up consistently. I also notice this with my clients and friends. Letting go control as a parent giving your child space, letting go as a manager delegating the work to others, letting go of a project that is only depleting your energy, letting go of a relationship that only gives you pain, letting go of a job that no longer fulfills you, letting go of someone you love.
Letting go can only come after YOU know YOU have invested a lot of work, energy, efforts, emotions and reflections into a specific situation or relationship. If you have not made that long personal investment, you are giving up. If you choose the easy way out, you cannot expect to move forward feeling good about yourself. Your issue will continue creeping up and dragging you around.
What are you waiting for? An apology? Are you so convinced of yourself that you need to continue standing firm no matter what? Do you feel victimized? Have you failed at something? Does the grieving feel endless? Is your ego your obstacle?
Some of us think that holding on makes us stronger, but sometimes it is letting go. It is not easy to do. Trust your intuition and when that time comes, you may reach the serenity that I felt when I saw this drawing.
(c) 2018 Anna Jankovich, all rights reserved.