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How to Feel Empowered in an Argument

2014. 11. 30.
Anna Jankovich
Anna Jankovich
Coaching Transitions
0 comment(s)

“How to keep calm in an argument is one of those lessons in life we should have been taught in school,” a client of mine recently said, as he struggled with a colleague at work.  Helas, most of us find out the hard way by actually not keeping calm and letting the argument spiral downwards leading to a negative outcome.

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His remark struck an instant cord with me, as I have been one of these emotional, lashing-out types, which I have blamed on my Russian blood and my French impatience (need to blame it on something!).  When I flared up,  I was convinced of what I was saying and the louder I got, the more I thought my message would be stronger.  Then a few years ago, at the same time I was discovering Life Coaching, I was on the receiving end and being lashed out at.  I was struck by the nastiness of it and actually felt empathy for that person.  I began seeing an argument from another angle.

Arguments can happen anywhere; work, home, families, taxis, shops, airports, restaurants and in any language.  Arguments don’t work; they are destructive, negative, exhausting, emotional, unresolved, hurtful and SUCH A WASTE OF TIME!

Take a moment and think back at an argument you had and remember that feeling. Step into it – what was your body language? How did you sound? What emotions were stirring?

Life Coaching has helped many of us tremendously in the last years to look at an argument from a different angle. Instead of the familiar “emotional, lashing out perspective,” I now automatically choose the “calm perspective.”  On the rare occasion I feel a heated discussion rising, I am immediately aware of my own being and I know how I want to be.

Here are 10 Tools to Help Keep You Calm 

  1. Breathing: this gives you a few seconds to be calm, listen and gather your thoughts.
  2. Listening: if you are thinking what is the next thing you want to say, then you are not listening.
  3. Hearing: Hear your own words and listen consciously to what you are saying.
  4. Never Shout: when shouting you lose control and it is hard to think clearly.
  5. Body Language: stay open like your mind, sit/stand grounded, look at the person in the eyes, avoid crossed arms, frowning, pointing, keep your focus on them                                                                                                                             (TIP: if looking in the eyes is difficult for you, look in between the other person’s eyes…it looks as though you are staring right at them, but you are not!)
  6. Avoid Scolding: insults are the ultimate tool of ignorance!
  7. Space: hold that space to let the other “get it all out.”
  8. Drop Your Ego: forget your ego and aim for a “win-win” situation, which could be compromise
  9. Your Captain (read more http://annajankovich.com/2014/10/captain/): what is your inner authority telling you?
  10. Permission: ask permission to not be interrupted while you speak

 

Two More Things to Remember:

  • Don’t use a present argument to list all the misconducts from the past, do you want to be dragged back in the past?
  • Lashing out is a way of someone expressing how they really feel and shows a total lack of self-control. By staying calm, YOU empower yourself.

Who do you want to be in your next argument?

Who is Your Captain?

2014. 10. 18.
Anna Jankovich
Anna Jankovich
Coaching Transitions
0 comment(s)

 

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What happens at work or at home when you have doubts, questions, uncertainties about something?  Many of us turn to a friend, family member, confident or a colleague. You may not be aware of it, but each one of us has a powerful resource within, that we can refer to as our Captain.

Your Captain is your Inner Authority, a forward looking visionary who is in charge and leads you where you want to go, both professionally and personally.  Your Captain’s key attributes are; courage, determination, clarity, empathy and insight.  Your Captain is there, whenever you need it, no matter what the situation or feeling is.  Your Captain is grounded, daring, patient, caring, encouraging, loving and is fully dedicated to you, and only you.

Another great thing about your Captain is that it is a Saboteur buster (see Blog Who is Your Saboteur?).

So, how can you tap into this Captain of yours and make a connection?  Your Captain does not necessarily need to be a person, it can also be an animal or an object.

Four Effective Steps to Connect with your Captain:

1) Values: Who or what in your life do you admire or find inspiration from?  Which of their values attract you? Name this Captain.

2) Visualise: What does this Captain look like? Sound like? Move like? Smell like? Feel like?

3) Notice: What stands out about your Captain? What is it like being with your Captain? Notice your reactions

4) Gift: Your Captain has a gift, what is it? Name it, try to bring it to life and hold onto it.

This is your Inner Authority, the leader within you.  Your Captain believes in you totally and knows how to move you forward and into action towards your goal.  Whenever you are stuck with a challenge, tap into your Captain first and then your other resources, if needed.

Curious about a new perspective and finding out more about your Captain?  Contact me for some coaching and we will make your Captain come to life!